"it was suchh a weirdd night cause i got out of school and i was already a bit fucked up from the morning cause the shit i drank this morning was spiked as all hell - and i knew it. so then i went to my friends house and drank, then i went to my other friend's house and drank, then i went home and met up with katie and some guys from ceder grove. but the guys were fuckin shady and i didnt like them cause one was asking me all these asshole questions like "how many guys have u bedded" and i was like fuckk uu. so i got high and chain smoked. and i was fuckin buggin out cause there were cops EVERYWHERE (like on foot and in the cars) and one was coming over so i jumped into this kids car who i dont even kno his name, he was just like, ill get u a ride out and i was like sweett. all i kno is his name was mike adams and franki was with them and a lot of other guys and that was after i met a bunch of other people. anyway, he drove me to my Jess's party and i hookd up with adams who was in the back seat (and whose fuckin gross but i didnt really kno who he was till after and halloween is my at least hook up with random guy day so w.e. btw its annual, last year was worse. anyway, kid in the back seat and it ends up that he was Sam Smiths ex and cheated on her, i felt bad but she wasnt mad at me cause i didnt kno and i was so high. so then i went to Jess's party (the one who goes to Benway), then got high again, then went back to meet up with katie, and katie's older sister was so pissed at the guyy who was askin me questions that she almsot ran them over. she fukcin got out of the car and started screaming. lol"

im reading my textbook (for the first time) for a test tomorrow and its taking me forever. the test is in less than 24 hours.
fuckk. USAP is a bitch but i lov the teacher.


im suppose to be 111 all week this week and i need to be able to keep that up so im waking up tomorrow 112 and throughout the day (if i dont pig out at breakfast) i should be 111 by the time i get home and hopefully ill be able to skip dinner or be able to get off with eating a little.

im keeping from now on of what im ganna eat.

so yay, that should help.

so i decided that to motivate me, id put my weight on the topic.
OMG i have so much work to do! and for a second i was so happy because im not 119 pounds anymore, but then i remembered my best friend whose my height and about 100 pounds. Her parents dont force her to eat tho. shes lucky.

still im not ganna be all sad about it. im just ganna lose more =D and be skinny.
im so excited.

But i gatta stay up now and do HW.
so i hope everyone else is good.
ill be on tomarrow
pcee.

when i was little i didnt complain a lot,
and if shit happened i never told my parents.
i didnt live with a real mom who im close with.
i still dont and i still need her a lot cause its hard being a teenager without ur mom.
i get very good grades, and i have a lot of friends.
but i never get anything from my parents.
they called me spoiled, which is bullshit. cause the only thing they ever give me is food. they dont buy me anything unless i really need it. i jacked most of my clothes because i didnt have money and i needed clothes other than completely out of style and broken hand me downs. Sad thing is, ive been doing that since i was 13 cause theres no other way im ganna get anything. im in high school and i dont even have a phone cause they wont buy one for me. and i still have glasses cause they wont buy me contacts. ive always hated glasses.
so why would they call me fat and all they give me is food! i dont want there fuckin food! WHY DO THEY GIVE ME ALL THIS FUCKIN FOOD CAUSE I DONT WANT IT. its gross and itll just make me more fuckin fat. JUST STOP FEEDING ME. im never ganna be perfect enough for them.
i even fuckin raise my lil sisters. srsly, the 5 year old, i raised her so much. she sleeps with me, i taught her how to talk, shes all mine. i bring her to the park, fill out her school papers, and any questions about her that people usually ask parents are asked to me cause my parents dont know.

its just fucked up. i get all As, take care of my sisters, try to be very pretty, i mean, people call me jailbait and the hott one and itl make me happy until i see my parents or my skinnier friends,

fuck, srsly i dont get shit from them.
once i get skinny, and when im able to get a job (a couple more months and ill be 16), ill still be imperfect i guess.
not good enough for them.
hell i even do charity work on saturdays after temple and its not for school or anything, its just cause i wanna.

=( but its never good enough. i just wish i could have the parents all the other AP/honors students have. the kind of parents that talk to you about politics and science and teach you things. with my parents i couldnt even cry without gettin hit and if i ever have any problem at all, they offer me a shot.
and i dont take it either, cause i dont wanna be like them.

im ganna go for a walk and then weigh myself. hopefully they wont make me eat tonight but they always do =(

Current Mood: sad

today i fuckedd uppp!
i ate like a bitchh.
so i thinkkk im goin to start postin my weight everyday
just to embarrass myself.
shitt im afraid to step on the scale and im ganna cry..

okayy. so im ganna go put on a brave face and get on it.


wow.
im 119. thats a lot.
so 9 pounds... i really wanna lose 9 pounds.

so just support me people! i have the worst will power when it comes to bingin and shitt.
so tomarrow im ganna try to go for less than 300 calories.
omg im soo excitedd. i just cant wait so i can start over tomarrow.

so today was fun.
but u kno what i was thinkin,
what drink gets u drunk fastest w/ the least amount of calories.

ill post that on proana too.
that question i mean.

In 2 days i wanna go visit my ex.
so i wanna lose 9 pounds in 2 days.
so i think im ganna try to be realisic
and try to be 114 by wednesday.
OMGG I WANT IT SOO BADD.


lmfao. the last time i saw this kid, we were trying to watch a movie together and we literally had to pause the movie and get some urges out of our system. lmfao

so now its ganna be our first time seeing eachother for 5 months, and before that we saw eachother almost everyday until i got sick and then grounded.

basically we were best friends.
and now he didnt go anywhere, he didnt go to college, hes just sittin on his ass in his room and im not ganna pity him.

so i basically forgot about him but my brother always reminds me to go see him (cause theyre friends)
so i need to lose the pounds before wednesday!

if i fast, and drink tons of water itll be possible.
but my parents will notice if i fast. suckss.
they do thatt. =(

Poll #1058181 What should i do?
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 5

What should i do tomarrow. I can do more than one btw.

by the time i wake up, i need to be 115. which i know is a lot but i woke up 117 so it would be losing two pounds.

but i binged!
so im ganna do all my hw, drink 4 cups of water, and do 100 crunches, 100 situps, and 10 pushups. hopefully that will get most of it out. =*(

i need support here! cause tomarrow my family is having a big dinner cause of Rosh Hashana and i dont wanna eat too much if i get bored!


i gatta doo ittt!

Tags: fat procrastinating
Current Mood: aggravated